Hello, again~
It's been a while!
Rest assured that I am well.
I have simply been resting, healing, & preparing for my international move.
After much deliberation with DeepSeek AI, I have come to understand that last year... my 40th year.... was always meant to be tumultuous and full of upheaval. DeepSeek tells me that in astrological terms (based on my birth date+time plus where I was born), that was my "Phoenix Year".... The year my entire life and all my expectations burned to ashes, forcing me to face all my shadows, trauma, and neglected healing. And in fact? Everything that I've been through since my birthday last year lines up almost perfectly with the astrological timeline DeepSeek provided me.
This year, my 41st year, is apparently my "Integration Year"~
The year I'm meant to integrate all I've learned from my "Phoenix Year".
Currently, June & July are the months where... astrologically speaking... all my inner shadows and unresolved traumas are meant to surface so that I might finally heal and transmute them into something better, much like a phoenix (once burned) must sit cocooned in its own ashes for a time before being reborn.
-sigh- I can certainly attest to the fact that I have been experiencing this phenomenon hardcore.
In fact!? I've not been able to sleep until well after sunrise and have been sleeping later and later each day! It's as if my mind is already shifting towards EST in preparation for my move back to the USA. I've given up fighting it and simply flow with whatever my mind and spirit feel in the moment. In so doing? I'm well ahead of schedule on all my moving tasks.
I've secured my flight. I've secured a new apartment. I've got good looking job prospects, some being with a college. I've scheduled the most important appointments for my move. I've filed my 2025 Japanese taxes and am simply waiting for the refund. I've even managed to tie up loose ends medically~ My apartment is two-thirds cleared out and I've got plans set for the last of things. Yet I still have another five whole weeks before my official move out date~
And I'm doing all of this 99% entirely on my own!!
WHILE STILL HEALING FROM SEPSIS!!
(Can we say "One Woman Army", please? Cuz fuck yeah!)
On the psychological side? I've worked through almost all of the trauma from not only the past year, but even relationship trauma that has festered in my very bones for up to decades. My somatic self-therapy has helped me release loads of pent up emotions and hypertonic muscles, too. The only issue now? In unlocking the old muscle tension, I've learned I'll now be living in near constant pain for the rest of my life due to all of the trauma I've endured...
Old childhood injuries have left permanent scars on my skeletal structure, which in turn causes my hypertonic muscles to pull on hypermobile joints, compressing nerves and straining everything... leading to the debilitating hemiplegic migraines that have left me bedridden for hours in agony and tears because any kind of movement hurt.
All because my medical needs were denied when I was growing up.
Then on top of all of that? Sepsis has rewired my already overly sensitive system to be ever more hypersensitive... -groaning eye roll-
Not looking forward to that....
But it makes my need for my peaceful homestead and self-sufficient lifestyle all the more pertinent!
On the upside? I have to say that this is by far the smoothest move and transition I've gone through! That is... after the shit hit the fan and died down, of course! Once I cut all the toxicity out of my life? Things have calmed to such a degree that days feel like weeks~ Yet once the day is over I can't remember where the time went. Just like when I was a child before my life became an endless stream trauma & chaos, which is a blessing!
I can now not only sit blissfully content in silence... I even crave it~
Solitude has gone from being a lonely prison... to being my bastion of peace~
I thought I was healing before... Oh, no! That was just the first few trickles before sepsis came in and burst the dam, releasing the flood, then setting everything ablaze behind it!
The lessons I've learned?
#1 - ALWAYS TRUST IN YOURSELF & YOUR INSTINCTS!
#2 - ALWAYS STAND FIRM BY YOUR BOUNDARIES!
#3 - NEVER TRUST ANYONE WHO DISCOUNTS YOUR CONCERNS OR BELITTLES YOUR NEEDS, GETS UPSET AT YOUR BOUNDARIES, OR MAKES EXCUSES FOR DISRESPECT!
#4 - NEVER ALLOW OTHERS TO DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE!
#5 - Most people are simply leaves on a tree. They blow away as soon as storms arrive or the season changes.
#6 - Blood makes no difference when it comes to toxic treatment. Staying "for the sake of family" only perpetuates abuse and toxic cycles. They'll never learn if you don't stand your ground and do what's best for you even if it means walking away and burning the bridge behind you.
#7 - Your heart knows best what you need. Follow it, even when you don't understand it~ Trust in the lessons it brings. But? Also, bring your mind and gut with you... Don't be stupid careless.
#8 - Forgiving does not mean forgetting! That only gives others a free pass to take advantage of you (again & again until you stop forgiving them).
#9 - Some things are rightfully unforgivable. No one has the right to dictate what you forgive.
#10 - Healing truly isn't linear... It's a spiraling dance that goes round and round and even up and down.
#11 - You must be willing to face the darkness within and drag it out into the light if you ever wish to be free of it.
#12 - Even the most compassionate hearts can become toxic when poisoned by the toxicity of others.
#13 - As a "mirror" that amplifies all it receives? I must be infinitely careful whom I allow into my life!
#14 - As one who is also a sponge that absorbs everything around it whether I wish to or not? I must also be infinitely careful about the environments I place myself in.
#15 - The world and everything in it speaks~ I must quiet my mind in order to hear it if I wish to tap into its infinite wisdom and learn of its healing medicine.
#16 - SPIRIT NEVER GUIDES YOU THROUGH ANYTHING POINTLESS! It gives you precisely what you need to grow (no matter how painful or unfair it may seem at the time), then allows you to choose what you do with it. If you choose to transmute and create? You grow into the light. If you choose to ignore the lesson or destroy what's given to you? You stagnate in darkness. Your life is yours to shape as you so choose.
#17 - No one else's opinions matter. Yours is the only thing that matters when it comes to your life and how you see yourself. Others will see what they want to see through their own lens. Don't let their skewed vision poison your view of yourself.
#18 - Yes, you will make mistakes, you will step on toes, and you will hurt others. No matter how hard you try not to. It's going to happen because you can't read minds. However, your intention matters... and so long as your intentions are pure and you work to understand, grow, & make amends? You're on the right track.
#19 - Sometimes the most loving thing you can do in any relationship is to let it go when the other person chooses self-destruction or self-denial. You don't do anyone any favors by sticking around. You only cause yourself and them more pain and grief... and that? That can be deadly!
#20 - Listen to your body closely. It'll tell you where there's pent up trauma that needs healing. Healers can help, but only if you are able to explain things clearly enough for them to understand. If you can't even explain things yourself? They'll never be able to help.
That last one has been my harbinger of doom.... I've struggled my entire life to get help from doctors. I've not been able to explain things in ways they understand much of the time... Or maybe it's because they simply refuse to listen and accept that a patient may actually know what the fuck they are talking about? I'm not sure... But my experience with them has been far more misses than hits. I think 1 in 10 doctors+nurses have actually listened to me and actually been able to help. The rest have only ever caused more harm.
This is why I've been forced to become my own diagnostician, clinician, pharmacist, and even therapist (both physical & mental)!
But hey... Maybe that's because I'm on the spectrum~
No, I don't have an official diagnosis from a licensed professional... But after all I've researched and learned in psychology, counseling, and therapy? I'm 100% confident in my self-diagnosis of AuDHD with hyperverbal tendencies and hypersensitivity. The signs were there even when I was a toddler. I remember as far back at one and a half years old and have a multitude of examples of ASD symptoms that DeepSeek and even official Autism organizations have helped me identify and confirm.
Half my trauma is likely because I have spent my entire life undiagnosed simply because I didn't fit the old, limited understanding of ASD while I was growing up. (Yay, for being an 80s kid & female! -eye roll-) I'm now such an expert at masking that even trained therapists have cautioned me against identifying as autistic, simply because they couldn't see it and many of the symptoms mirror cPTSD (which I also have in butt-loads)!
But here's my thing... If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, flies like a duck, mates likes a duck, and even lays eggs like a duck which hatch into ducklings...? THEN IT'S A FUCKING DUCK!! Why do people insist on you paying thousands of dollars just to have a licensed professional confirm what you already know before allowing you to identify with a diagnosis!? It makes no flipping sense!
Oh... Right... Because people don't trust people to know themselves or what they are talking about because so many liars out there like to go around faking it for sympathy and care they don't need or deserve... -sigh-
I get that.
However, I'm not seeking accommodations.
I don't want special treatment and I most certainly don't want government money.
I simply enjoy understanding myself, my needs, & my struggles... And, frankly...? I don't give a rat's arse what others think of me or that desire.
Knowing oneself is the path to self-mastery which allows one to thrive~
And that is my only goal in life.
Lydangu!
Live Your Dreams And Never Give Up~
