Okay....
It's been a wild week.... 😅
A bit of an update.... No job yet. Things didn't work out as I hoped with the school. It's alright. It's probably a good thing considering what happened a few days ago.
I ended up with another debilitating migraine so bad that I couldn't move and could hardly talk. Called an ambulance and ended up in the ER. I was expecting to be treated as usual... dismissed, told I'm exaggerating, then given pain killers and sent home.... That has been my experience for over a decade.
However.... That's not what happened.
For once? I was taken seriously!
Shands stepped in and actually listened, did all the relevant tests and then some extras... and finally pinpointed the source of all my pain and suffering for the past decade or more!
I have a brain hernia....
In medical speak? My cerebellar tonsils are extending 4mm too low through my foramen magnum... My cerebellum is trying to escape my skull through the hole at the bottom of it... putting pressure on my brain stem... which is what has been causing ALL OF MY SYMPTOMS THAT I'VE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT FOR YEARS!!! 😱
Now... suddenly... even without a job, health insurance, or even money.... I'm being rushed through the medical system at Shands, being provided all kinds of care, and am even being connected with nonprofits that are setup to specifically help people in my position, including a social worker and a therapist....
This is something that I never once expected....
I left this country believing I was hated, unwanted, and nothing but an annoying burden on society. I swore I'd never come back because of all the trauma and hate I've faced here. Now... suddenly... everything has changed. I'm not only welcomed... I'm wanted... I'm no longer a burden, but instead someone people actually care about helping... I left a hellhole swearing to never return, almost died in a foreign country, then came back feeling it was time for me to face my responsibilities to the country of my birth... and suddenly the community wants me. You've no idea how jarring that is.
Sure, maybe not the corporate structure, since most refuse to hire me.
But those trying to build a better, safer, more caring country have been welcoming me with open arms, listening to me, and even taking me seriously with horror on their faces when I tell them nonchalantly just a tiny snippet of what I've endured in my life. I'm so used to chaos, trauma, neglect, and hate that this has all been a very welcome change. I feel like Spirit is trying to make up for 40 years of neglect and abuse in under a year's time span....
But yeah.....
A brain hernia....
An asymmetrical brain hernia with more pressure on the right side than the left...
All I can think about now is every head and neck injury I've ever received, including the time my mother pounded me in the head with her closed fist, trying to rip my own keys from my hand so I couldn't leave her house when I was 18. Oh, how prophetic my final email was to her in that regard.... and I didn't even realize it at the time I wrote it. I just served her a cease and desist notice that includes her, her 3rd husband, and any proxy she tries to recruit to get back in contact with me... In my final email to her I told her that I have learned since sepsis that I will be living in chronic pain for the rest of my life due to her neglect of me when I was a child....
Now I'm seeing how the violence she, herself, raised against me in a moment of desperation and rage... may have in fact caused or at least contributed to the gradual worsening of this condition.
I'm scheduled for an MRI on the 17th to get a better look at what's going on, but if everything is confirmed? It means I will be officially diagnosed with an asymmetrical Chiari Malformation, which could land me on disability... Oh, joy-😒
And all I can do is sit back laugh-crying, because this means I'm both vindicated... 😌 ...and a bit f*d...😶
My need to start my own LLC is now truly a means for my own survival.
I physically cannot work any of the physically demanding jobs I used to and I also have to reduce my stress levels, which means a lot of office jobs and being a teacher are out as well.
I'm starting to wish I lived in Ireland where they now pay artists a living wage to create their art....
Can we please start such a program here in America? 😫
I mean.... after we get through the chaos of the current administration, of course... 😓
I want to work. I want to contribute to society. I want to teach. However, my physical health now requires that I do things at my own pace, in my own way. I'm so relieved to see society changing and people waking up to the darkness that I used to be ostracized for pointing out~ Thank you, Gen Z, and other wakened souls for doing all you do to make things better! I'm no longer running or turning my back on the world just so I can survive. I'm joining the fray and will help however I can. I may not be a frontline fighter. I may not even get loud. But I'm here and I'm standing my ground to make things right with a strong, determined, and quiet pace.
LYDANGU!
Live Your Dreams And Never Give Up!
